​Medium:         The TV show “Seinfeld”
Line:                George Costanza:  I don’t think I’ve ever been to appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up.
 
George Costanza is one of the better angst ridden characters of all time.

Quote:                         Start where you are.  Use what you have.  Do what you can.
                                    Arthur Ashe

​Keep it simple.  Take one step at a time and go for it!

The Guiltless Wonder

On the pages of a comic book and on screen in the movies, super heroes often have the power to do extraordinary things.
 
Super heroes come in all different shapes and sizes and they employ a varying degree of different specialties.  Those that are immortalized in print and film tend to be able to save or change the world with their abilities and, generally speaking, we, as mere mortals, are unable to learn how to do what they do or even fully comprehend their greatness.
 
I happen to be more interested in the super heroes among us who have faced fears and conquered obstacles and, in the process, have become experts in mastering the challenges of everyday life.  These super heroes are otherwise completely ordinary, except that they have developed powerful skills that help them effectively stare down the same fears and obstacles that deter and derail others.
 
The Guiltless Wonder is an example of one such super hero.  She has effectively eliminated guilt from her life and her thought processes and, therefore, lives with a clear conscience and a powerful ability to assess situations and events for what they really are.  Her judgment is never clouded by second guesses and, because her mind is clear of guilt, she enjoys every new day for what it is and gets the most out of it.
 
You may ask how the Guiltless Wonder has achieved such an admirable skill.  I asked her that very question and she was very happy to share her process and very confident that anyone who follows his process can learn to do what she does and eliminate guilt from their life.
 
The Guiltless Wonder told me that she employs a three-step process as part of every decision she makes.
 
1. She pays attention to her instincts.
2. She sets out to be understood rather than liked.
3. She carefully deliberates before she finalizes her decision and takes action.

The success that the Guiltless Wonder has had in eliminating guilt is especially remarkable given the destructive nature of this formidable foe.  As you may know all too well, guilt can be one of the biggest detractors you will face in your attempt to make good decisions on a consistent basis.  When guilt is present, it can dampen your joy, subtract from your peace of mind, and rob you of the confidence that is essential as you move forward through life.
 
At its core, guilt is something that you feel when you regret an action or an event that has already taken place and cannot be changed.  By the time you experience guilt, there is rarely anything that you can do about what has already occurred. Guilt is a harmful additive that is likely to have clouded your thoughts and created unnecessary anxiety for you at some point, if not on a regular basis. 
 
A feeling of guilt can also compound whatever negative emotions you have about a prior event or decision by influencing decisions you try to make going forward.  Now, instead of the event being an isolated case that is addressed and dealt with, guilt pervades other thoughts and actions and may project onto other people and situations that otherwise have nothing to do with the original event that gave rise to the guilt to begin with.  This is the definition of taking a bad situation and making it much worse. 
 
So, let’s take a cue from the Guiltless Wonder and minimize the damage your feelings of guilt have already caused you by setting a course that will effectively block it from ever having undue influence over you again.
 
The first step that the Guiltless Wonder takes to steer clear of guilt is to be in tune with her instincts.  She incorporated this idea into her decision making early on when one of her elementary school teachers instructed her not to change her answer on a test she was taking.  Her teacher cited some source or data that indicated that your first answer is usually the right answer.  The Guiltless Wonder interpreted this suggestion as another way of saying that she should pay attention to her instincts and her instinctual answer is often the first one that comes to her mind.
 
While she always reserves the right to change her mind if new or more detailed information comes to light, she now knows that her first response is typically the one that is most natural and the one she arrives at before she may start to over think anything. If she has a natural or “gut” feeling for a direction that she may want to take or a decision that she needs to make, she takes a positive step toward avoiding guilt because she is following the course of action that came to her naturally and instinctively.  There is no need to second-guess her actions if she simply is true to her instincts.
 
This is not to suggest that she simply gives way to her primal drive when it comes time to make a decision.  Her moral compass and her own will power also play a vital role.
 
The Guiltless Wonder never worries unnecessarily about what someone may think about her or the action that she takes.  She realized long ago that whether she was liked or people liked what decisions she made was a highly subjective thing.  If she based the validity of her decisions on what other people thought, she would face a constantly moving target and probably set herself up to always feel guilty.
 
Instead, and to the extent that other people can influence her desired outcomes, she determined that it would be far more worthwhile to focus on being understood. If her actions are understood, she stands a far better chance of avoiding a guilty feeling after having decided.
 
Developing an understanding of a situation, a circumstance, or a decision also helps her to clarify motives and reasoning.  Even if someone doesn’t agree with her, they will not be left to wonder why she ultimately did what she did.  An understanding builds some common ground and, if that exists amongst people, there is much less room for guilt to develop.
 
The Guiltless Wonder develops an understanding with others simply by being able to articulate her thought process and explain what factors she considered and didn’t consider.  To do this effectively, she always takes care to carefully consider her options and the ramifications of her decisions prior to making them.  Careful and considerate deliberation is yet another way for her to avoid feelings of guilt after the fact.
 
If she has done her homework up front and she is comfortable with the process that she went through to arrive at her decision, there just isn’t much of an opportunity for guilt to develop.  Once she has the confidence that she has taken all of the steps necessary to make a good and informed decision, there is no reason to worry about the course she has taken.
 
If there is an art to her decision-making it is that she makes choices with all of the passion and personalization that she can summon without letting her personal tie to the situation at hand cloud her judgment or dilute her conviction.
 
By being alert to and acting in concert with her instincts, setting out to be understood rather than liked, and employing careful deliberation when considering her options, the Guiltless Wonder has accomplished an extraordinary feat.  She lives peacefully and guilt free and you can too if you follow her example.

****

This is the second chapter of Scott Arney's Super Hero Series. 

Be sure to check Scott's Spot on Patrolmen's Dispatch for each chapter of his Super Hero Series, which starts with Fear is Our Enemy; and his ongoing Serial Decision Maker series.

Memories
Your experiences and the memories you create from them ensure that your past has been worthwhile, your present is fully appreciated, and your future is full of promise 
 
Dean Martin sang about them and Bob Hope thanked us for them.  We all have them, but what creates memories and why is it important to accumulate as many of them as possible?
 
I have no idea if my own personal categorization of memories has any metaphysical significance, I just know that I tend to sort my memories in one of two ways.  Mine are either born out of tradition and, therefore, some form of repetition or they are created out of singular significance.  I will do my best to explain.
 
What I will refer to as the traditional or cumulative memories are the ones that are created by multiple experiences over an extended period of time.  For me anyway, these tend to be my most treasured with a few exceptions sprinkled in on occasion.
 
I have a host of great memories from the many dinners we have shared together as a family over the years.  Most of those dinners were enjoyed around our kitchen table.  I may not be able to tell you about one specific dinner or what meal we were enjoying at the time, but I remember the laughs and the discussions and the feeling I had during those times as if I was enjoying them all over again right now.
 
I have been fortunate to thoroughly enjoy my work, especially my time at the credit union.  I have many fond memories from this time, but I tend to think most about the accumulation of the strategies, the people, the decisions, and the results as a whole, than I do about one particular event or situation.
 
I think of my childhood and my high school and college years in much the same way, especially as I get older. Some of the specific memories have started to get a little fuzzy, but the general way in which I remember those times prevails. 
 
These are the types of cumulative memories that I am talking about.  There are also the singularly significant as well.
 
The first time I met my wife, the moment each of my kids were born, and my first day on the job at the credit union are all great examples of singularly significant memories.  They are wonderful and they stand out for reasons that are probably obvious.
 
By the way, I also clearly remember my first black eye, the time I didn’t make the basketball team, and the day my grandmother died.  Not pleasant memories, to be sure, but equally as important as the positive ones because they all have contributed to who I am, how I think, and the decisions I make.
 
All of these types of memories are important.  I do not mean to suggest that the cumulative kind are more important than the singularly significant.  I do believe, however, that there is something to be said for the number of memories you accumulate and that the more of them you accumulate, the fuller and richer your life becomes.
 
The human mind and the virtually infinite database it represents is unrivaled and unmatched on this earth or any other.  Much of that capacity goes to waste, however, if it isn’t filled with experiences that are indicative of a life well lived.
 
What constitutes living is up to you to decide, but I would suggest that if you are creating memories worth recording from experiences worth noting, you are well on your way to living a life well lived.
 
If you buy that thought, let me share this one.  A cumulative memory is one that is developed over time and repeated, meaning that if you are enjoying those types of memories, you have found an experience worth seeking again and you have some ability to replicate it.
 
By definition, a singularly significant memory does not come around too often and if you were to spend your time waiting or hoping for one, you might end up a little disappointed.  Additionally, you might be doing something wrong if you experience singularly significant bad memories over and over again.
 
That black eye that I mentioned, I was in kindergarten when I received it.  I remember the girl who gave it to me and you can bet that I made sure I never did anything again to invoke her to punch me in the eye.  In other words, I learned from that experience and I made sure I never made that mistake again.  To be clear, I picked up a few more black eyes as I got older, but never for the same reason or from the same person.
 
I guess what I am trying to convey is that your definition of your life, whether you define it right now or much later, will always be based on the experiences and memories that you have accumulated.  At that moment, when you look back and assess what you have done and what you have been about to that point, I think that you will want that definition to be as rich and colorful as possible.  I don’t think that you should expect your experiences or memories to be devoid of the bad times and events, but I do think that you will want the peace of mind that comes with knowing that you learned from your mistakes and that you grew as a person during times of adversity.
 
In order to have all of that at your point of reflection, you will need to have maximized your cumulative memories to the fullest, absorbed and basked in the singularly significant positive memories, and persevered through the not so pleasant times.
 
Memories and learning go hand in hand.  You learn from your memories and you cannot create memories without a willingness to learn.  The more you can successfully fill your internal database with useful experiences and knowledge, the closer your database will be to capacity and the closer you will be to living your life to its fullest potential.
 
Your experiences and the memories you create from them ensure that your past has been worthwhile, your present is fully appreciated for the opportunity it affords you, and your future is full of promise and new adventures.
 
 This article is part of Scott Arney's educational series, entitled The Serial Decision Maker.

​The most important step you can take toward ensuring that you maximize the quality of your life, next to having a strong self-awareness and being personally accountable, is to surround yourself with good people.
 
No one is better equipped to take care of you or take more responsibility for your actions than you are.  You are the person most responsible for the direction that your life will take.  It is too easy to let yourself believe that whatever is happening in your life has very little to do with you and is more a result of what others are doing or not doing. You have the power to choose the attitude with which you will live your life and the behavior you will demonstrate.
 
So, the question is, how do you make sure you don’t stray from that path of self-awareness and personal accountability?  The answer is simple.  You surround yourself with good people.
 
There are just as many people who believe that it is a sign of weakness to seek other people’s help and guidance, as there are who think that their lack of fulfillment is somebody else’s fault and none of these people are correct in their thinking.
 
Human beings are social creatures.  You are not meant to live as a loner.  You were born into a family.  Together, we live in neighborhoods and communities.  We go to school together and we go to work together.  Why then, would you try to go it alone in order to achieve success in your life? 
 
Every single success story involves an entire network of people who joined together for a common cause and even those who are recognized as the leaders of that particular cause or event became leaders with the support they received from others every step of the way.
 
Every one of you is a sum total of your own life experiences.  How you perceive yourself is due, in part, to how you have chosen to act and react to the happenings in your life.   Additionally, you have undoubtedly experienced difficult times, turmoil, and controversy.  Without good people around you to remind you that you can achieve your goals despite these occurrences, it is too easy to succumb to these negative influences.
 
Surrounding yourself with good people will not only help you to absorb the blows that life inevitably deals you, it will also help you to grow as a person at a more rapid rate.  Experiencing something new is one of the joys of life, but it can also be quite intimidating if you don’t have someone to talk to who has already experienced something similar.  New parents can learn a lot from their parents.  New employees can learn a lot from veteran employees.  A younger brother can learn from an older brother.
 
When something great happens, it is always more meaningful when you have people to share it with.  Their excitement for you only serves to deepen and enhance your experience.  When something bad happens, it is easier to get over it with the help of others.  During sad or difficult times, it always helps to be reminded of good things and good people.
 
Achieving individual success has its benefits, but achieving team success is so much more rewarding because so many more things and people had to come together in order to achieve that success.
 
It is one thing to understand this concept and agree with it, but you may have already discovered that finding good, successful people isn’t always the easiest thing to do.  The trick, then, is to develop skills that help you to identify these people.  Here are a few do’s and don’ts that I have learned along the way.
 
If you are fortunate to have a loving and caring family around you and/or a select group of trusted friends, start with them.  Nobody will know you better or be in a better position to support you.  Talk to them about how they have gone about building relationships with their own friends and family.  Reflect on your own experiences so that you can draw out the reasons you feel a closeness or an admiration for certain people in your life.  If you can zero in on the specific traits that you respect in others, you will be better able to look for those same traits when you meet new people going forward.
 
If you are typically someone who has not made it a point to collaborate with others or to seek out other options or opinions when you are making a decision, choose a subject matter that you are comfortable in discussing with a person or people and start a dialog.  All of you are capable of helping others whether you realize it or not and most of you appreciate being asked about your opinion so you may receive some valuable ideas from people you never counted on as confidants.
 
From there, try to broaden your horizons by attending events where you will meet new people.  One of the ways that you can ensure you grow as a person is to create new experiences for yourself, particularly ones that you can learn from or develop into additional opportunities.  Networking is not easy for most people so seek out an event where you are likely to have a common interest with other attendees, such as a local meeting of alumni from the college you attended.
 
Getting involved in a neighborhood or community project is another great way to meet people in an environment where you will be more likely to gain insight into someone’s character.  Project oriented work also creates an opportunity to share opinions and ideas with others, which will help you to gain valuable insight into people’s decision-making process.
 
Don’t assign too high of an importance to individuals who have only achieved material success.  This is not to say that you won’t find strong mentors amongst people who have achieved fame and fortune, but the skills that many of these people have developed in order to achieve this type of success are self-serving.
You will have a much better chance of finding people that will be more likely and willing to help you if you first identify your own goals and then specifically seek out people who have achieved success in related areas.
 
Don’t just concentrate on the title or status held by someone.  It is much more important to find people who have truly experienced life and learned from their experiences along the way.  Many times, there is a direct correlation between a person’s status and their accomplishments, but focus first on the person’s accomplishments if you want to increase your chances of meeting someone with whom you will benefit from knowing.
 
Even if you think of yourself as a social, outgoing person, chances are there are some things that you could do to improve the breadth and depth of your personal network and your efforts to be collaborative for the purpose of expanding your ability to achieve goals and live a fuller life.
 
However you do it, make sure that you make it a point to surround yourself with good people whenever and wherever possible.  Whatever effort you put forth will be rewarded many times over in the value you will receive.
 
This article is part of Scott Arney's educational series, entitled The Serial Decision Maker.

Understanding your credit report and your score
 
Everything contained in your credit report is important and personal to you.  In addition to the names of your creditors and the balances that you owe them, information contained within your credit report includes your Social Security Number, your date of birth, your home address, and your place of employment.
 
You should monitor your credit report regularly, if for no other reason than to ensure accuracy.  The information that everyone, from a potential lender to a potential employer, will look at with the most interest, however, is your score.  Today, in our quick answer-immediate response world, your score is the single most important factor in determining whether or not you will be approved for that loan or, in some cases, be granted a job interview.
 
There are many scoring systems, at least one for every credit bureau, but they all have one thing in common.  The higher your score, the better off you will be.  Your cost of borrowing will be lower and you will have more options from which to choose.

If you commit to prioritizing your personal finances, there is actually no reason why you can’t achieve your financial goals.  

This Decision Point is part of Arney's The Serial Decision Maker on Personal Finances, which is part of his educational series entitled, The Serial Decision Maker.

Fritos

I graduated from college many years ago, 30 to be exact.  I was one of the fortunate few who knew exactly what I wanted to do for a career.  In fact, I knew from the time that I was in middle school that I wanted to work in banking.
 
Upon graduation, I began the interview process.  There was one interview, more so than any of the others, that I was particularly excited about and that was because it was with one of the largest banks in Chicago at the time.  They brought me in to interview for one of their management training positions and their program was considered one of, if not the best of its kind in the area.
 
The interview process was pretty rigorous, and it included multiple meetings with several different people.  This was understandable because the bank wanted to be absolutely certain that they hired the right people since they were going to be investing a few years of time, money, and resources into individuals who they were going to train to learn every aspect of the business and to eventually be managers and leaders of the bank.
 
The last round of the interview process was a full day of meetings with a variety of people at the bank who had completed that very same training program.  I made it that far and then anxiously waited to hear from the Human Resources Manager.  A few days later, he called me to let me know that I had not been chosen for the program. I was devastated.
 
I kept replaying the entire process over and over, especially the meetings on the last day. I just couldn’t figure out what I had done wrong or where I had fallen short. After about a week of torment, I called the Human Resources Manager backed and asked him if he wouldn’t mind sharing any more details with me so that I could use the information to be better prepared for interviews elsewhere and ensure that I would learn from the experience. 
 
He told me that it had been a very difficult decision, but that it had ultimately come down to the answer I gave to one question out of the hundreds that I had been asked on that last day.  One of the interviewers had asked me if I could sell.  My answer was that if it was a product or service or cause that I really believed in, I could sell, but if it came to selling something like Fritos, I didn’t think I would be very good at it.  (Short disclaimer:  I like Fritos and did at that time as well.  I remember giving that answer, but have no idea why I randomly selected Fritos.)
 
For a long time afterward, probably for years, I thought about that call.  For a good part of that time, my thoughts centered on how unfair that outcome was.  I had put everything I could into that process.  I was fully prepared and left nothing to chance.  At that time in my life, that job was all I really wanted, and I fell short because I said I didn’t think I could sell Fritos only after stating that I was confident I could sell something I believed in.  For that statement to be the reason I didn’t get my dream job seemed unjust and unreasonable.
 
I don’t remember how long it took me to get over my disappointment, but I remember exactly what it was that helped get me over it.  Not too long after I learned that I did not get the job with the bank, I did get a job with a Commercial Finance company.  It was a great opportunity that led to many more great opportunities and it ended up being exactly the type of company and environment that I needed to get started and advance my career, but that isn’t what helped me get over the disappointment I had felt.
 
I finally got over it when I realized that the bank was right not to hire me for that training program. After I started to develop my skills and pursue my career, I realized that I was not a salesman.  I understand sales and I very much appreciate its role in how business is done, but I cannot sell, and it does not matter how much I believe in the product or service that I am presenting.  Selling is just not part of my skillset and I am okay with that because I eventually figured out who I am and who I am not.
 
The past participant of the bank’s training program who interviewed me that day and asked me the question about sales knew that I needed to be a strong salesperson if I was going to be successful in that program and he knew I wouldn’t be before I even knew it based on the answer I gave him. 
 
I didn’t know he was right until I understood who I was, not just who I wanted to be.
 
That bank did me a tremendous favor by not hiring me.  While I undoubtedly would have still gained tremendous knowledge, and had the opportunity to be part of a top-notch team, it would have been a costly lesson for me if I had somehow still gotten that job only to realize that I was not a fit and that I was going to have to start over someplace else.
 
Success in any career you pursue will largely depend on your own ability to identify your strong suits and highlight them repeatedly.  Your success will also rely on your ability to identify your weaknesses, accept them, and find ways to work around them or collaborate with others who have the skills that you lack.
 
Trying to be who you think you want to be is okay when you are young and just starting out.  The process can be a great learning experience if you are paying attention and building from what you learn.  At some point, however, it is much more valuable to figure out who you really are.  
 
Being you and continually trying to be a better you will ensure that you progress and move forward through your life and career.  
 
This article is part of Scott Arney's educational series, entitled The Serial Decision Maker.

​The Art of the Question
Engaging in purposeful and effective communication

The question.  Of all forms of human communication, it is perhaps the most difficult to convey properly, the hardest to balance, and possibly the most misunderstood between the parties who are trying to send and receive information.
 
If you don’t ask a question, you are far less likely to obtain the answer that you seek.  If you ask too many questions, people will eventually stop answering you.
 
If you ask a question at the wrong time, you run the risk of being perceived as nosy or intrusive.  If you ask one of the wrong person, you might be labeled as a troublemaker.
 
If you ask your question with the wrong tone, you may come across as accusatory and if your question indicates that you know the answer, you will immediately arouse suspicion and unnecessarily put the person you are asking on the offensive.
 
These are just a few of the many examples of things that can go wrong or the unintended consequences you can create with a question that isn’t well balanced and delivered properly.  But, questions are an essential part of human interaction and absolutely necessary for educational and information gathering purposes.
 
With that in mind, here are some guidelines and suggestions that will help you to be an effective asker of questions.
 
First, your questions must have a purpose.  You have no doubt heard that there is no such thing as a dumb question.  I disagree, but I understand the point.  Every time I have heard someone say that they were trying to encourage people to ask questions.  Good concept, but the wrong message.  There are dumb questions when they are asked without a purpose.
 
You can sometimes get lucky and zero in on the purpose or meaning of a conversation on the spot, but you will be much more likely to have a purpose if you have spent some time preparing.  A job interview, for example, can provide you with a great opportunity to distinguish yourself with a little advance preparation.
 
I have conducted many interviews over the years and I can instantly tell the difference between a job candidate who spent some time preparing for the interview and one who did not.  Often, that difference is clearly on display when it comes time for the candidate to pose the questions they have.  If I get a question regarding the strategy, vision, or purpose of the credit union, I know that I am talking to someone who has assigned some importance to the interview.  If someone chooses instead to ask me how many sick days we offer, I know I am talking with someone who is either a. concentrating on the wrong things or b. asking a question purely for the sake of coming up with something, anything.
 
When you know that you will be in a meeting or an interview, during which you will be asked if you have any questions, take the time upfront to make sure that you have those questions prepared.
 
Another essential aspect of a good question is the timing of it.  If your boss has told you that she is going to assign a project to you, let her explain it in full before you jump in with questions that may likely be answered during her instructions to you.  In the same vein, it is equally unacceptable to receive those same instructions and then sit on that information for days before asking any necessary questions you might have.
 
Questions are a great way to both properly and improperly indicate your priority.  If you are talking with your spouse the evening before a busy day and you take that time to fully understand the timeline and the main events of the coming day, you are prioritizing your questions accordingly.  If, during that same conversation, you are asking about something that may or may not occur a month out, you are sending the signal that you are not comprehending the importance of the next day or, worse, perhaps signaling to your spouse that you are not all that supportive of the tasks immediately at hand.
 
Purpose, preparation, timing, and prioritization are all essential aspects of a question that will help get you to where you are going.  For the most part, these are all things that you have a large degree of control over and that you can teach yourself through practice.
 
There is also an aspect of the question, however, that you will likely have to un-teach yourself.  You have probably been taught not to question certain things or certain people.  Perhaps you have been told not to ask why something is done that way because that is the way it has always been done.  You almost certainly have been told, at one time or another, not to ask questions of your teacher, your parents, your boss, a doctor, or a police officer.
 
In many cases, I think these are the times that it is actually the most necessary to ask a question or even a string of them.  The task here is to find an effective way to question an authority without questioning their authority.
 
Let’s use a doctor’s diagnosis as the example.  If you arrive at the Emergency Room with a broken arm, and you know it is broken because part of the bone is protruding through your skin, you probably do not need to waste time seeking a second opinion when the doctor comes in to tell you that your arm is broken.  Questions that you may have regarding what the next steps will be are absolutely appropriate at this point and are questions asked of an authority.  Questions regarding where the doctor got his medical degree question his authority.
 
If, however, your doctor diagnoses you with a rare disease or informs you that he thinks you need a certain surgery, it is the ideal time for you to ask questions and possibly seek additional insight.  It is the ideal time to learn as much as you possibly can about what you are experiencing, what the alternative remedies might be, how much time it will take for you to heal, and all that is involved with the entire process.
 
Those are questions for an authority or an expert to address and they cannot address them if you do not ask.  You are not questioning his authority in that example, you are posing questions to an authority.  If you choose not to ask questions in this scenario, you are doing a disservice to yourself and likely ensuring that you will not be as informed and educated as you need to be to make the best decision possible.
 
Your boss or your teacher may have a certain level of expertise, but that does not mean they should never be asked appropriate questions and it never means that they know everything there is to know.
 
When you ask questions with purpose at the appropriate time and they are reflective of the matter at hand, they will almost always be received in the way in which they are meant and effectively and sincerely addressed.
 
When that occurs, you are mastering the art of the question and you are engaging in purposeful and effective communication.

This article is part of Scott Arney's educational series, entitled The Serial Decision Maker.